Post by citizenmike on Aug 25, 2009 5:56:17 GMT -5
Jangles, twangs, and other sweet and simple distortions. They blind my mind from the forest it is and calms me. Often, I think too much. If I'm not thinking, I am living. I really can not to tell what is worse, to think too much or to live too much.
I lay upon my bed in the first blue and quiet night I've experienced in three days- seems like sixty. Covered in the bare arms of the one I love, I bite my lip and lie on my side as I stare out the window.
Not thinking.
Not living.
Just being.
Hearing the distant sound inside my head of songs I have not heard in a very long time.
Oh, how I've missed them. Songs that brought me comfort and solace is many previous nights like this. Songs I perhaps will never hear again.
I've lived and thought too much in these past two days that I've decided to let go of thought and live through feeling. I will deal with the consequences later.
But I can not get myself away from what has happened. I nearly accepted my own demise twice and in my quest for answers, I allowed myself to be seduced by the Black Goat. Though his touch I gained an understanding of all the books and all the notes Priestess Nica had left for me. And knowing where this understanding comes from, scares me. I can do a lot with this understanding and I am not one to be driven or tempted by power, but I remember how... wonderful the Black Goat's temptation felt.
God, the thought alone disgusts me. It makes me want to turn away from all this. Its like its all tainted.
... I am thinking too much.
I can go to bed or I can stay up longer and resolve this... I choose to resolve this.
I am wise. I know the risks, the consequences, and the limits. I let the understanding take over me during my possession when I begged Johnny, Bremman, and Anya to leave. And I allowed it to take me again when I helped Fleur this afternoon.
This can be used for good.
I must be mindful.
Oh Nica, if only I could talk to you now. What you've done for me. For the first time in as long as I can emotionally remember, I have never felt such a stronger need to live.
This is where I start.
... That was not so long...
A problem resolved and once again, I am clear.
I am not thinking anymore.
I am not living either.
I am only being.
In this bed, in the arms of my lover, with the blue of night coming into my room. In the distance within me, I hear it once again... Jangles, twangs, and other sweet and simple distortions.
I lay upon my bed in the first blue and quiet night I've experienced in three days- seems like sixty. Covered in the bare arms of the one I love, I bite my lip and lie on my side as I stare out the window.
Not thinking.
Not living.
Just being.
Hearing the distant sound inside my head of songs I have not heard in a very long time.
Oh, how I've missed them. Songs that brought me comfort and solace is many previous nights like this. Songs I perhaps will never hear again.
I've lived and thought too much in these past two days that I've decided to let go of thought and live through feeling. I will deal with the consequences later.
But I can not get myself away from what has happened. I nearly accepted my own demise twice and in my quest for answers, I allowed myself to be seduced by the Black Goat. Though his touch I gained an understanding of all the books and all the notes Priestess Nica had left for me. And knowing where this understanding comes from, scares me. I can do a lot with this understanding and I am not one to be driven or tempted by power, but I remember how... wonderful the Black Goat's temptation felt.
God, the thought alone disgusts me. It makes me want to turn away from all this. Its like its all tainted.
... I am thinking too much.
I can go to bed or I can stay up longer and resolve this... I choose to resolve this.
I am wise. I know the risks, the consequences, and the limits. I let the understanding take over me during my possession when I begged Johnny, Bremman, and Anya to leave. And I allowed it to take me again when I helped Fleur this afternoon.
This can be used for good.
I must be mindful.
Oh Nica, if only I could talk to you now. What you've done for me. For the first time in as long as I can emotionally remember, I have never felt such a stronger need to live.
This is where I start.
... That was not so long...
A problem resolved and once again, I am clear.
I am not thinking anymore.
I am not living either.
I am only being.
In this bed, in the arms of my lover, with the blue of night coming into my room. In the distance within me, I hear it once again... Jangles, twangs, and other sweet and simple distortions.