Post by Geinkotsu on Nov 22, 2009 7:02:51 GMT -5
‘Honestly, Why am I here? What was a pulled here for? What is the reason for my existence?’ I thought this.. Every single day. Questioning myself and every possible reason of this city and my life. I wandered. Alone. Aching inside. Carrying a burden I don’t wish to weigh on my shoulders or mind. People are taken away from us. Friends. Family. Neighbors. It’s all the same. I’ve always thought this way, my line of thinking only being changed the slightest with each small event. But something just seemed to push me off the edge. One might wonder what it was that could be able to do this to me. To the emotionless guy with the temper problem.
Well… I never use to be this way. I never use to be so cold, so unattached to emotions like happiness, compassion, love. What happened.. Was a long time ago by present standards, even if it only seemed about five months ago.
I’ve always lived with my family. My two little sisters, my mother, and my cousin, Jessan. Even if it didn’t have a gender because of our race, and even if it had no parents, it was my sibling. Jessan was always carefree, worrying about others and wanting to make others happy. It wanted nothing more than to help others and enjoy life. As I.. my only purpose was to protect my family. To protect my kin. My family. Life was simple then. Days went swiftly, but never ended when the sun went down. We stayed up until past midnight, and slept until noon. Enjoying what was left of our few days left without even knowing what could have happened.
It was only a few days later after we had seen a small child, Kankure, pass our house, that the massacre began. It started to rain heavily early in the day in the valley. Puddles of water seeped into the gravel of our small town. Dark clouds and rumbles of thunder rolling inside them. The lake overflowed, the rain deafening. But even as hard as it poured, me and my sisters could easily hear the screams of people being slaughtered…
I ran with them. Terrified of the cause of those horrifying screams. But we ended up running into it. Face to face with the same boy covered in blood. He looked at us, smiling amusingly as if he was silently plotting a way to kill us like a scenario in a play. That smile… It replaced my blood with ice and I could feel each prickle of raindrop as if time had slowed before me. The only sound was the thumping of my heart that seemed to threaten to break out of my chest as it throbbed with each hard pound, rushing adrenaline through my veins.
I was unable to move. Unable to do anything as I saw my youngest sister, Natalie, die. That child was a demon, a true thing of hell. It moved like a cat and struck like a snake, leaving no room for mercy. I hadn’t been able to find Jessan during the start of this nightmare, and I could have only hoped it was safe. Thousands of thoughts ran through my head that moment as my other sister, Alicia, held onto my arm. I didn’t know what to do. I was scared, unable to use my powers, useless and weak. He took Alicia from me and savagely killed her in front of me. His red eyes seeking the fear in mine. I turned and ran. Ran for hours to no end with the taunting laugh of that demon behind me. Unable to face him. I ran.
Reality had turned into a nightmare, and I had no more dreams to escape to. The moment I tripped over my last and only sibling.. I saw it breathing, only slightly. Ragged breaths being drawn in as its scarf lay battered and torn in the bloody waters. I cried, pleaded, begged. But Jessan slipped from me. Died and I couldn’t do anything to save it. Only moments after, did I see the bloody steel of that child’s sword come towards me. I felt no pain as everything grew dark around me. Time dissolved, space shifted. I was no longer in Nahalia. I was in Animus…
This event had changed me for the worst. I felt I had to protect others by shutting of my emotions so I could think clear if disaster struck again. I locked them away, detached myself from love, happiness, jealously, joy, warmth.. It was all just another daily word to me and nothing more. I had become a wreck of rage. Every twisted man enrages me to the point I would decapitate and kill them if I had the chance. This is why I hate Mr. Psycho… this is the reason why I hate Tommy and Mr. Happy. But.. Somehow.. I can understand them… Because I was like them, for just awhile. Trapped within my fears and hatred, trying to better myself and by doing that, I almost became something I hated.
But.. I realize.. That people come and go. Having an endless number of encounters and partings over and over again. But that doesn’t mean one is truly lost forever. A soul, if damned or granted heaven, comes back to encounter once again. I realize that I was just a child back then, easily controlled by fear. But that doesn’t mean fear is a bad thing. It can also be a good thing. It teaches us lessons, brings us closer to people and ourselves, it helps use see ourselves in a better light.
I reached a sort of pact with myself… when I saw Jessan again earlier in that strange void. It became a part of me like the rest of these departed souls that make up my body. It helped me, and I can’t give up when Jessan is here with me. I would be killing it again if I die. I’ve decided… I want to protect this city, I want to protect it’s residents. And I want to protect my family here. Even if I don’t know them, don’t know Sara, I will try my best. Even if it means killing an Angel or two. As long a I am able to do what I can, I’ll be happy…
I think I’ve finally found what I’ve been searching for. It isn’t a human heart at all.. It’s the feelings within the metaphor that is what I’ve wanted so secretly. It is the emotions set free to explore, and only then and there will that heart be mine. And perhaps.. I might be able to share that heart with the people I care about. But.. for now… I will bear with these Twisted Emotions and keep them ever so sealed from these people within. Until then, this journal is the only thing keeping my secrets on it’s pages from those around me.
Well… I never use to be this way. I never use to be so cold, so unattached to emotions like happiness, compassion, love. What happened.. Was a long time ago by present standards, even if it only seemed about five months ago.
I’ve always lived with my family. My two little sisters, my mother, and my cousin, Jessan. Even if it didn’t have a gender because of our race, and even if it had no parents, it was my sibling. Jessan was always carefree, worrying about others and wanting to make others happy. It wanted nothing more than to help others and enjoy life. As I.. my only purpose was to protect my family. To protect my kin. My family. Life was simple then. Days went swiftly, but never ended when the sun went down. We stayed up until past midnight, and slept until noon. Enjoying what was left of our few days left without even knowing what could have happened.
It was only a few days later after we had seen a small child, Kankure, pass our house, that the massacre began. It started to rain heavily early in the day in the valley. Puddles of water seeped into the gravel of our small town. Dark clouds and rumbles of thunder rolling inside them. The lake overflowed, the rain deafening. But even as hard as it poured, me and my sisters could easily hear the screams of people being slaughtered…
I ran with them. Terrified of the cause of those horrifying screams. But we ended up running into it. Face to face with the same boy covered in blood. He looked at us, smiling amusingly as if he was silently plotting a way to kill us like a scenario in a play. That smile… It replaced my blood with ice and I could feel each prickle of raindrop as if time had slowed before me. The only sound was the thumping of my heart that seemed to threaten to break out of my chest as it throbbed with each hard pound, rushing adrenaline through my veins.
I was unable to move. Unable to do anything as I saw my youngest sister, Natalie, die. That child was a demon, a true thing of hell. It moved like a cat and struck like a snake, leaving no room for mercy. I hadn’t been able to find Jessan during the start of this nightmare, and I could have only hoped it was safe. Thousands of thoughts ran through my head that moment as my other sister, Alicia, held onto my arm. I didn’t know what to do. I was scared, unable to use my powers, useless and weak. He took Alicia from me and savagely killed her in front of me. His red eyes seeking the fear in mine. I turned and ran. Ran for hours to no end with the taunting laugh of that demon behind me. Unable to face him. I ran.
Reality had turned into a nightmare, and I had no more dreams to escape to. The moment I tripped over my last and only sibling.. I saw it breathing, only slightly. Ragged breaths being drawn in as its scarf lay battered and torn in the bloody waters. I cried, pleaded, begged. But Jessan slipped from me. Died and I couldn’t do anything to save it. Only moments after, did I see the bloody steel of that child’s sword come towards me. I felt no pain as everything grew dark around me. Time dissolved, space shifted. I was no longer in Nahalia. I was in Animus…
This event had changed me for the worst. I felt I had to protect others by shutting of my emotions so I could think clear if disaster struck again. I locked them away, detached myself from love, happiness, jealously, joy, warmth.. It was all just another daily word to me and nothing more. I had become a wreck of rage. Every twisted man enrages me to the point I would decapitate and kill them if I had the chance. This is why I hate Mr. Psycho… this is the reason why I hate Tommy and Mr. Happy. But.. Somehow.. I can understand them… Because I was like them, for just awhile. Trapped within my fears and hatred, trying to better myself and by doing that, I almost became something I hated.
But.. I realize.. That people come and go. Having an endless number of encounters and partings over and over again. But that doesn’t mean one is truly lost forever. A soul, if damned or granted heaven, comes back to encounter once again. I realize that I was just a child back then, easily controlled by fear. But that doesn’t mean fear is a bad thing. It can also be a good thing. It teaches us lessons, brings us closer to people and ourselves, it helps use see ourselves in a better light.
I reached a sort of pact with myself… when I saw Jessan again earlier in that strange void. It became a part of me like the rest of these departed souls that make up my body. It helped me, and I can’t give up when Jessan is here with me. I would be killing it again if I die. I’ve decided… I want to protect this city, I want to protect it’s residents. And I want to protect my family here. Even if I don’t know them, don’t know Sara, I will try my best. Even if it means killing an Angel or two. As long a I am able to do what I can, I’ll be happy…
I think I’ve finally found what I’ve been searching for. It isn’t a human heart at all.. It’s the feelings within the metaphor that is what I’ve wanted so secretly. It is the emotions set free to explore, and only then and there will that heart be mine. And perhaps.. I might be able to share that heart with the people I care about. But.. for now… I will bear with these Twisted Emotions and keep them ever so sealed from these people within. Until then, this journal is the only thing keeping my secrets on it’s pages from those around me.