Post by wingedwarrior on Jul 20, 2009 7:43:48 GMT -5
It is time to wake up and embrace who I am, not pretending everything is OK. It is not--nothing is. I may have manage to deceive people by wearing a plastic smily mask but this time. It has to come to an end.
I have admitted my emotions and feelings of the matter once to Lain. It cannot be bottled up no longer. I cannot shied away from what is obvious to me. It is all an encumbrance, a tiring method. I used to think that this was weakness, to show that I was vunrable, now, I know better. It is what I need to do in order to be stronger.
One thing is for sure, I've been lagging back on that and am aware of it. I wish I was more relentless to my goals of self-discovery and not easy persuaded to return to the group. It has been time and is time, to separate myself from the group. Though difficult due to some interdependencies and to attachments I have towards some people.
DeAnne, she is important to me, like a sister. She was my only friend who had an understanding of me. I fear for her because of her current condition. She is rather unstable and self-hate starting to overwhelm her. I wish to intervene and keep watch of her but I find this difficult because of Ryker and herself. She thinks she doesn't need me for she can look out for her own, though this remains true, I shouldn't have listened and still kept watch. No time to regret, no need for intervention for it was her decison. I respect that.
Lain is another instance. She becomes unpleasant when I am gone and when I do return for a visit she shines. I admit that I am attracted to her because of that. I realized this after I faced my phobia of nudity. It was sometime ago, I remember. I had to dress her in lingerie (was the only shop in sight). This was after Ryker had found her a new body---she had died that day (Ryker went mad, resulting to her death). The only way to revive her was to go to the human world to find her a body. It was a successful endeavor.
After that, she started to mature yet, became unstable with hormonal mood-swings. It was with me she seemed to be stable and happy. I liked it that way and wanted to keep it as it was. Yet, she was a major hinderance, I felt guilt whenever I left. I would find myself back at the house where she stayed. Though, I should do what is best for me, before I can others. I have made this decision that it is best to leave and not to turn back until I am ready.
At the times that I had left had changed me, I had more time alone to reflect. Visions of Leon and the Winged Warrior returned to me bit by bit, though at sporadic times and small amounts.
I am convinced that my past life is of the Winged Warrior's or Leon (as I know his human name due to visions). I do not know much, but have seen visions of the Winged Warrior (lets call him Wingy) patrolling Purgatory as his kingdom, while he served as a peacekeeper between Heaven and Hell. There was one vision in peculiar where he had to make a decision to save a high ranking angel, I believe but chose not to due to war within his facility. It was quite vague to me. As for his human life know he was involved with a gang called *WnW, his task was to murder a prominent figure in society. Thats all I really know. Not much.
This is why I left. Many people have their big wishes and ambitions, mine is simple and complex... I want to know myself. I want to unlock the Winged Warrior in me. He displayed his magic once to Syl and that were-pup, Bryony, though it is quite cryptic and vague on why he did show without any significance. Perhaps I am looking at the wrong facts. Perhaps he did so to warn me that it was time to go and open up myself. I once used to say what is done cannot be undone, though this is true in many cases, there is always something I can do in the future to redeem and fix the past.
______________________________________________________________________
*WnW: A gang Leon associated with back then.
This is the flashback for you who are curious:
Leon knew what he had to do, it was this or facing the 'WnW' and he did not want that. A bad beating was awful compared to slaughtering a couple of pregnant ladies---that was easy as long as they coughed up what he needed. After all, WnW were his only chance of survival, he was not born an upperclassman--no he was a slum-dog living in America. The brotherhood WnW provided him shelter and comfort as a child, for his parents had abandoned him. The brotherhood was his dilapidated and screwed form of a family. As long as they gave him a mission, he had to follow or punishment will dawn upon him (especially since he is still climbing the stairs to reach the top). Now it was time to think killer.
Leon looked at his watch, it was six am in the morning and he had twenty minutes to exectue his plan. He had closly watched Mrs. Whitecastle and had even disguesed as a worker in the firm she owned and it so happened that her son was one of the older peope in the gang.
He walked towards Mrs. Whitecastle, "may I help you,madam, I work in your frim" Leon said professionally and his smiled gleamed.
"You are a sweetie, Leon--" she said squinting to look at his name tag. Leon grinned and started assist her, no one was around. This was perfect and good for him,there was a manhole and he shoved her in, she had hit her head which made the blood gush out giving her severe trauma, lucky for Leon, Mrs. Whitecastle had carried a sharp switch blade loosely in her pocket which sprung projectile to the wall and stabbing her at the heart. Now she lay dead and the deed was done.
I have admitted my emotions and feelings of the matter once to Lain. It cannot be bottled up no longer. I cannot shied away from what is obvious to me. It is all an encumbrance, a tiring method. I used to think that this was weakness, to show that I was vunrable, now, I know better. It is what I need to do in order to be stronger.
One thing is for sure, I've been lagging back on that and am aware of it. I wish I was more relentless to my goals of self-discovery and not easy persuaded to return to the group. It has been time and is time, to separate myself from the group. Though difficult due to some interdependencies and to attachments I have towards some people.
DeAnne, she is important to me, like a sister. She was my only friend who had an understanding of me. I fear for her because of her current condition. She is rather unstable and self-hate starting to overwhelm her. I wish to intervene and keep watch of her but I find this difficult because of Ryker and herself. She thinks she doesn't need me for she can look out for her own, though this remains true, I shouldn't have listened and still kept watch. No time to regret, no need for intervention for it was her decison. I respect that.
Lain is another instance. She becomes unpleasant when I am gone and when I do return for a visit she shines. I admit that I am attracted to her because of that. I realized this after I faced my phobia of nudity. It was sometime ago, I remember. I had to dress her in lingerie (was the only shop in sight). This was after Ryker had found her a new body---she had died that day (Ryker went mad, resulting to her death). The only way to revive her was to go to the human world to find her a body. It was a successful endeavor.
After that, she started to mature yet, became unstable with hormonal mood-swings. It was with me she seemed to be stable and happy. I liked it that way and wanted to keep it as it was. Yet, she was a major hinderance, I felt guilt whenever I left. I would find myself back at the house where she stayed. Though, I should do what is best for me, before I can others. I have made this decision that it is best to leave and not to turn back until I am ready.
At the times that I had left had changed me, I had more time alone to reflect. Visions of Leon and the Winged Warrior returned to me bit by bit, though at sporadic times and small amounts.
I am convinced that my past life is of the Winged Warrior's or Leon (as I know his human name due to visions). I do not know much, but have seen visions of the Winged Warrior (lets call him Wingy) patrolling Purgatory as his kingdom, while he served as a peacekeeper between Heaven and Hell. There was one vision in peculiar where he had to make a decision to save a high ranking angel, I believe but chose not to due to war within his facility. It was quite vague to me. As for his human life know he was involved with a gang called *WnW, his task was to murder a prominent figure in society. Thats all I really know. Not much.
This is why I left. Many people have their big wishes and ambitions, mine is simple and complex... I want to know myself. I want to unlock the Winged Warrior in me. He displayed his magic once to Syl and that were-pup, Bryony, though it is quite cryptic and vague on why he did show without any significance. Perhaps I am looking at the wrong facts. Perhaps he did so to warn me that it was time to go and open up myself. I once used to say what is done cannot be undone, though this is true in many cases, there is always something I can do in the future to redeem and fix the past.
______________________________________________________________________
*WnW: A gang Leon associated with back then.
This is the flashback for you who are curious:
Leon knew what he had to do, it was this or facing the 'WnW' and he did not want that. A bad beating was awful compared to slaughtering a couple of pregnant ladies---that was easy as long as they coughed up what he needed. After all, WnW were his only chance of survival, he was not born an upperclassman--no he was a slum-dog living in America. The brotherhood WnW provided him shelter and comfort as a child, for his parents had abandoned him. The brotherhood was his dilapidated and screwed form of a family. As long as they gave him a mission, he had to follow or punishment will dawn upon him (especially since he is still climbing the stairs to reach the top). Now it was time to think killer.
Leon looked at his watch, it was six am in the morning and he had twenty minutes to exectue his plan. He had closly watched Mrs. Whitecastle and had even disguesed as a worker in the firm she owned and it so happened that her son was one of the older peope in the gang.
He walked towards Mrs. Whitecastle, "may I help you,madam, I work in your frim" Leon said professionally and his smiled gleamed.
"You are a sweetie, Leon--" she said squinting to look at his name tag. Leon grinned and started assist her, no one was around. This was perfect and good for him,there was a manhole and he shoved her in, she had hit her head which made the blood gush out giving her severe trauma, lucky for Leon, Mrs. Whitecastle had carried a sharp switch blade loosely in her pocket which sprung projectile to the wall and stabbing her at the heart. Now she lay dead and the deed was done.